Thinking Time(s) .....

Sunday 21^st June 2009

What IS the purpose in having a blog, I wonder? Is it to rant? To complain? To record the progress of your days/weeks/months in a strange new place. Why DO I write this blog and why, just lately, am I writing less than in the past?

Hehe! Yes, OK, my friends you are right. I'm in a “What To Do?” moment here since I am without my Mobily internet tonight. My choice of Things To Do is either watch David Attenborough, go get some more tea, get an EXTREMELY early night, play (maybe) Sims 3 on my phone (want to play FIFA Manager but it's stuck again and I gotta start afresh!! Ohh and I had SUCH a good team!!).

Or …. do what I enjoy doing. And that is to sit and write. It is something that keeps me going, an outpouring of feelings good (not much) and bad and will form a record of my time here in this strange land long after I return. Maybe it will be worth publishing. I would buy one anyway!

Digress Digress Digress. Should have been my middle name.

Anyway …. after last week's mayhem there is a feeling building up inside me. And it is not a positive one.

I knew, of course, that being here would not be easy. Alone and only having one aim in mind is not the best way to pass 12 months.

I feel things are slipping away from me. Positivity is a small thing here and what I have of it is dwindling.

Imagine if I had no internet. No contact with the outside world, with my friend and family out there.

No No NOOOO!! Better NOT imagine!! For it is THIS and pretty much this ALONE which keeps the wolf from my door. With my internet “life” I have something to look forward to. I have people who are GLAD to see me every day and evening when I log on to my Skype account. They are a VITAL part of what keeps me going. I don't only mean family back in England – I also mean friends old and new who are out there and who are pleased to see me.

Online life is a blessing and a curse in one package. Without it we are stuck ONLY in the small environment we live in day to day. It is an 'extension' and, indeed, a compliment to our regular live at work and enhances our social lives. Many people we meet online becomes the best of friends. Even though they are often far away, it is always a pleasure to see them.

As the song from the sitcom “Cheers” used to go, “Sometimes You Want To Go Where Everybody Knows Your Name And They're Always Glad You Came!”. And THAT encompasses life on the web chat lands.

However … of course many of you will say, “Yes, but the internet cannot be a REAL substitute for REAL LIFE! We can get hooked on it and lock the outside world, the REAL world out of sight! It can make us crazy!”

Crazy I would NOT agree with. Of course, every normal person has a life outside the web too. Start chatting with someone new from your town and you EXTEND your social circle, not decrease it.

But then there are those you might talk to who are far away that you have little chance of meeting.

Perhaps you really want to. And THIS is where web chat can frustrate and annoy.

The way I see it is this. I am keeping in touch with people I used to know from Poland. And in addition, I am getting to know NEW people. I am “laying new ground” which will make for something to VERY MUCH look forward to when I am finally out of here and back into what I know (and that will NOT be longer than one year!). Having done the groundwork, I will then be much closer, geographically, to these people. I will then be ready and will not be starting in a totally new environment with nothing and no-one as a 'base'.

I think I'm babbling a bit here and am now wondering what the hell I'm writing about. So back to my feelings right now.

Loneliness. I've known it plenty these past few years. Coming to a country like Saudi Arabia, you need all the social 'avenues' you can get. I had zero to start with and the other teachers presented few new ones. They all do their own things which, mostly, involves staying at home. It has only been, up to now, the teacher colleague I arrived with who has presented any kind of friendship.

I consider myself fairly easy-going, but in a place like this it is almost impossible to maintain that. Anyone whop has read my blog so far and SURVIVED it can understand me on THAT I hope. Plus in the last few years with events in my personal life going “pear shaped”, it has made me less tolerant and much more unsettled in myself and in where I am and where I want to be.

Yes, I don't like it here. No, I don't keep my mouth shut about it. No, I don't tolerate it. Yes, maybe I SHOULD but I don't feel I can since it is all too new, too foreign and too different. Should I just ACCEPT what I have here (or don't have here) and try and make the best of it?

Well, I can't.

It's the isolation. The fact that we really CAN'T get out of this compound and go easily into town and do the normal things we can back home. Not without the expense and inconvenience of a taxi ride both ways.

Yes, maybe I had it too good where I was before where all I had to do was take a short, straight-line wander into town to enjoy all there. And where at weekends, even when there was little else to do, I could at LEAST take a walk round and explore some new parts of the town. And have a leisurely coffee while I was at it.

It was a hard thing to give up. I did it for one reason only – MONEY! NOT a good reason but I felt I had no choice at that time and I felt I could not go on with the money struggle that was taking over my life.

I HAD to do something and coming here was what I did.

Was it a mistake to make a decision based almost entirely on financial need (and some might even say “greed”)?

I have just got to the 'calendar end' of my third month here. And how SLOWWWWWLY the time has passed, and how LITTLE I have done here. And, I must say, how little I am LIKELY to do here except earn nice money and not spend it.

Many of you, struggling back in Europe under the current recession will say, “Well be THANKFUL you have a job at ALL in these difficult times!”, or, “Why complain about good money?”, or even, “You made a good decision ducking out of Europe at a time like this!”.

My teaching colleague now does his own thing. I have spent the last two weekends doing the weekly shop and drinking coffee and eating cake on my own.

Perhaps he is tired of my negativity and pessimism. Well he and his 'false optimism' is ALSO annoying. He goes on pretending he's having a good time and is not worried about a thing here. He puts on this front for everyone and yet he DOES dislike it here and DOES complain and DOES get frustrated just like most people do. So WHY pretend it isn't happening? Why pretend you're having a good time when nothing IS happening? He knows, as well as I do, that the only weekend entertainment likely is shopping mall based. And yet he said he “enjoyed” it when two weekends ago he spend the WHOLE DAY in the Ikea store.

One thing I do NOT like is false optimism and people who pretend. And then those SAME people try to tell me not to be so negative and that I should relax and take it EASY more.

But EVERY WEEK there is SOMETHING NEW that unsettles me. I try to get into a 'survival routine' here but I cannot because some new thing comes along to disrupt that. This business with the locked gate. Yes, that problem seems to be solved now with the bus that we get. But I didn't WANT or NEED this disruption. The gate was fine, it was useful, many other people used it too so WHY mess things up?

I DO try to keep hold of positives but they keep slipping away. No internet this week – this is YET ONE MORE thing to annoy the HELL OUT OF ME!!

When I think about the summer, it seems like a great oasis. Such a great sense of freedom I will feel when I am on that plane taking off from the airport in either Bahrain or Dammam.

I will feel like I am back in paradise.

It will be VERY hard to come back in late September. VERY VERY hard!!

Been thinking about that a LOT recently, and especially after all that shit last week.

Why should I HAVE TO suffer all this? I don't WANT TO be in this compound 'prison' for the next nine months (OK, so it's eight if you take away my holiday!). I don't LIKE IT here and I am never GOING TO like it. I want to be where I can ENJOY life again – not SUFFER for my money!

Could I easily get a job in September elsewhere? Hah – now THIS is the question!

In theory the answer is yes because I've done it before.

But ….my CV is the problem here. I already have a gap in teaching work on it. And in addition, I ALSO have a short stay in my LAST job to explain away. And am I really considering ANOTHER early exit from a job??

What about references? And don't forget what that woman said about why SHE would not employ you again so soon (no, not HER! Another one!!)

I NEED to complete a good long-ish stint of teaching work to make my CV look better.

Yes, it IS possible that there are potential employers who would not mind about my recent job history and its breaks. But is it worth the risk? Maybe I should send out some CV's and “test the water”.

But I would be rather restricted to EU jobs where a visa is not needed since, to obtain work visas, I would need to be in my own country. Not practical.

Work-wise there are reasons why I must stay here. But it is really looking like a long haul ahead with very little localised social activity of any kind likely. Not even a coffee and chat in town.

Eight months of THAT?? Not sure I can take it.

Some of you may not think so, but I am a people person. I NEED the company of other people and I NEED places to go and things to do. And yes, this means too that I need money to do these things, and maybe that brings me back to why I am here.

But the only people I meet are those AT work and in the classroom. I see NOBODY now outside working hours at ALL. At least, no “live” people – only those I online chat with. And they come and go and are too far away anyhow.

Silence is deafening. Boredom is destructive. Do I need the money? Yes, but at what cost to MYSELF?

Do I wish I'd stayed where I was before coming here? In many ways yes. Though what I have heard about how things went after I left makes me glad I am not there now since my timetable would have collapsed completely. And that would have made me worry MORE about money.

From a social and living point of view, YES I DO wish I was still there. I had some good private students and would have had plenty more. And I had ….well, let's say another “good thing” developing on the “social” side of being there. Could have been so good! And I threw all that away!!

But when you are pressurized and under stress because of money then a decision HAS TO be made. And I DID make it and it brought me here.

What will the consequences be of that decision? Will I stay the distance?

I cannot say for sure now, though probably the answer is YES. But there is still more shit to come and this “boiled egg” head may yet crack under the strain.

Wish me luck!!

The Curse of Mobily strikes

Saturday 20^th June 2009

Something is going on here to further increase my Stress And Annoyance Level. Here I was, sitting here doing this blog entry in OpenOffice and was also online with Skype and Firefox open as I normally have. Suddenly the sound that comes when my USB modem gets disconnected. Well, it sometimes happens and so I went to reconnect. Nope, no good, and the message I got was that one which I get when I am not allowed to connect due to my 5GB monthly allowance having been exceeded.

But that was impossible. I had been down to the Mobily store on Thursday evening to pay my 200 riyals for the month to come AND had received the SMS to confirm that my account had been recharged to that effect. Didn't make any sense. But then I saw ANOTHER SMS message dated today early in the morning which “kindly” informing me that my, “Mobily data bundle has now expired” !!

What the HELL is going on??

OK there was a Customer Service Number so I thought I would try it. Would it be in English? Well, as they allow me messages and spoken help in English, then I hoped so.

One thing I thought. When I went to pay for my new month of internet, the man did wonder why I was paying early, ie, before the 21^st of the month. Well, I obviously didn't want to make a special journey down there on a weekday spending taxi money for little gain so why NOT do it this way.

Oh dear! Murphy's Law “If anything CAN happen, it WILL” (or is that Sod's law?). Yes, it would seem that, in trying to be efficient and sensible, I have “beaten the system”. According to the helpdesk man, my payment did not show up in their system.

Hmm, so which system sent me the SMS telling me my account had been topped and and renewed then??

So this is RIDICULOUS! Do I HAVE TO go down on the exact 21^st of the month just cos their blasted system can't do more than one thing at a time? WHY should I now have to lose this evening and all the rest of tomorrow (until the evening) just cos of an error on THEIR part??

Well THAT will teach ME to dare to be too efficient in this country!

As of today, Sunday 21^st, there is STILL no internet. My colleague, who phoned the Mobily people after himself having problems apparently says that there is some kind of general computer and/or database problem on a larger scale at Mobily just now and that (inshallah!) it will be cleared in 24 hours (inshallah!). So that will mean tomorrow (Monday) evening.

I am just NOT going to make a SPECIAL TRIP down town just for little reward. It is obvious that MY problem is something different and that I will have to go in AGAIN at the weekend to see what is going on. NO WAY I am going to waste taxi money and time on a solo journey into town for something like THIS.

And that may mean I am without internet every night this week ….

Can you see the storm clouds gathering over the Persian Gulf?? It's ME – don't worry!

UPDATE - Friday 26th June 2009 (evening)

OK, the good news is that i DO have my internet again this evening.

Yes, I did have to make that extra trip into town Friday afternoon/evening. Didn't like it, but there was no other choice. Well, the choice was STILL no internet or go in and get it SORTED.

Phoned the helpdesk Friday afternoon, though didn't think it's do much good since it didn't do ANY good before.

Now, I'll cut down the conversation that was had. But the gist of it was this :-

• I had not waited for the text message to tell me that my internet package was activated before using the net.
• Because of this, and because too I HAD done this "awful thing", the Mobily system interpreted it that my normal internet package was not activated and so what I was doing was using the internet at the 2 riyals per MB used rate.
• Given that we are talking about two and a half days doing this, you can see that my 200 riyals got used up pretty quick. Simple Maths - two and a half days, about 8 hours a day, and even with normal use the 200 riyals was gone quickly.

THAT, folks, is the extent of what was explained to me.

So .... even though I HAD been down the Mobily store and clearly stated that I was paying for my new month of internet, somebody somewhere was being a bit 'slack'. I naturally assumed that, having paid, I could get using the internet straight away. Fair assumption, don't you think? Why would I assume any different.

Also there had been this Mobily system problem of unknown origin or effect which I had been told about before. Perhaps it scrambled the poor computer brains too and kicked me out just for fun.

A special trip into town was needed and that's what I did. It was a pain in the butt, a wassted evening and highly unnecessary.

But .... it got me my internet back AND I managed to get a load of that nice Carrrefour bread which had NOT been there on Thursday evening.

Not QUITE making it worth the trip, but not so bad either.

That WASN'T the Week that was ....

Saturday 20^th June 2009

So much to write about today – TOO much in fact, and I regret ONCE AGAIN leaving so long between diary entries. But what has happened is that I have had the absolute WORST WEEK in this country with this class so far!!

Ohhh WHERE to begin? And what IS IT that has made it this way? Tiredness? Another ill period coming on? My patience finally getting the better of me? The reality that I have FAR TOO MUCH TIME to go and that prospects for better times here are slim?

Maybe it is YES to all of these. Because when I looked at myself in the mirror a few days ago, it was not a pretty face that looked back at me. The face I saw was VERY tired looking and with nasty great bags under the eyes.

Can't remember when I had that before. Don't, in fact, remember at ALL suffering from this kind of thing although I have, of course, had insomnia a-plenty over the years for this and that reason.

It's what you term a Wake-Up Call.

HOW did I get to look like this? Because it seems to have come on rather suddenly over the last week or so. I didn't notice it coming on before. Does it coincide with my virus infection the week before? I would say YES.

OK, back to the main event(s). As I left it, I had seen my none-too-pretty face in the mirror and was wondering about it. So let me now try to go through what has happened this week.

All started last Saturday. The day started normally, got up normally, went out normally with my colleague out of our block and around it to the gate which takes us through the wall. This wall is the 'marker' between our residential blocks and the military area where we teach our classes.

The gate was locked shut!

Why? Don't know the reason. Just another of those, “Let's annoy those expats in a different way this week!”, kind of things. Ohhh, and it DID too!

What could we do? Well, we had to go up to the college of course. The thing is, you see, there are only two practical ways to get to this place – the gate and the bus from outside the college in the morning. But, being after 7.15am, this bus had gone of course.

Luckily there was another guy who in the predicament with us. Well, and ALL the other people who use this gate to get to work in the mornings too. There is no telling how many people this nonsense has put out. Do they care? Pffff – what do YOU think?

So this guy came with us to the college. The thing we had to do was to phone for the bus to come back, and this he did. But by this time it was about 7.25am and for SURE we were going to be late for our classes.

The bus came in the end and off we went. What did this mean for the days to come? Well, it would mean having to get up much earlier in order to get out earlier to get to the college to get on this regular bus 'service'. WHY SHOULD WE HAVE TO PUT OURSELVES OUT just because some idiot couldn't do his job and get that gate open??

Now, this was me back after illness, and I was straight into THIS. Hardly a 'warm welcome' back into the teaching “fold”. Anyway, in I went to class, there they all were sitting. In I went and it actually seemed they were pleased to see me! It couldn't possibly last!

After that stupid start to the day, I was in no mood to do anything meaningful so just proceeded to give out grammar worksheets for the remainder of that morning. That really didn't work out well. As usual they muttered about yet more paper, but I thought nothing of it. But this disturbance at the start had definitely ruined the day and they got more and more restless and noisy the rest of the morning. I didn't mind a certain amount of noise but at the end of the lesson they were completely ignoring me and all were gathered in a circle-group over on one side to talk and yell loudly at each other in the kind of boisterous 'conversation' that these people seem to do a lot. Told them many times they had to keep it down, but I was invisible by that time. Ignored like I didn't exist, no respect and definitely not listening to me. A raucous end to THAT morning after a nightmare start.

That evening my colleague called me. What about tomorrow, he asked. I replied that I was NOT going to put myself out and get up earlier just because SOMEBODY couldn't do their job and get that gate open. He would go over to the college anyway, he said.

In the morning I DID get up at the normal time. But I realised that I should be able to see from the window the gate and whether it was open or not.

And, indeed, it was closed shut and locked again! So it seemed that this was no one-off.

Had to go to the college and get the bus. But one thing I realised was that, in fact, I did NOT have to get up much earlier in order to get to the college for the bus.

Good news since it was the way things were for the rest of the week and, so far, this week's start too.

What IS going on with that? A security problem? Well, since anyone who is able enough can put down something to stand on and CLIMB that wall with ease, then that wall is not secure anyway! Too easy for those who want to to scale it.

I have noticed that, much further down, there are sections of that wall which have barbed wire across the top section. Maybe that would serve them better than inconveniencing so many people who depend on that gate to be open.

I liked that gate. A nice, easy way to get to work on foot without the hassle of a bus ride. But, as with do many things, you can't get settled with anything for long around here. Always SOMETHING ELSE to knock you back into insecurity and unsettlement.

The next day we got the bus. But the lessons were a NIGHTMARE again and the students were even MORE raucous and wild at the end in their 'group huddle'. I could do absolutely NOTHING with them, nothing at all. They didn't do what I gave them, and in the end I was so worked up that I was going round almost THROWING the next worksheet at them. TOTALLY useless they were and for once they really were treating me as if I was not there at all, just totally ignoring me, not doing any work and being obnoxious.

The next day was slightly less mad but by then I was sooo wound up by these first two days that there was no way I was going to do anything else except keep giving out grammar revision worksheet to be done. After all, the test was due Wednesday so it was justified in my eyes.

As far as I could see, they were moaning at yet more paper for two reasons – firstly, because it something more to carry around, and secondly, because they would have to work and use their little brains. The poor, tired little dears!

One guy's bag is a joke. Instead of having a proper ring binder folder for all this paper I have given them, he keeps all the papers loose in his bag – a PLASTIC CARRIER BAG - and when he needs to find something he has to go through this pile and everything gets thrown around and out of order.

Speaking of this guy, on Monday he became only the second person I have asked to leave the classroom. Why? Well, he had been irritating me the whole morning as they all had. In HIS case, he was just being damn rude. It might have been a language problem at first, but I and others did correct him. But he insisted in keeping on with saying “Give me paper” on and on and I kept telling him to ask me properly which he would not do. On and on he went with this. I asked him to leave when he would not stop. “Bye Bye”, I said to him and waved him towards the door,m but he was still saying No. Well, I said, we can take this up with the military guy who deals with Student Affairs. I had used him before to deal with the Key Thrower. So there I was and I stood my ground. He did then leave repeating over and over, “Bye Bye London! Bye Bye London!”. What a twit!

I will stand many things but blatant rudeness and disrespect like THAT goes beyond what I will tolerate.

I told his friend that I would only let him back in with an apology. So when I was sitting there drinking my coffee at break time, he and that friend came over. Yes, he DID have an apology. At first I told them to go away as it was break time and this was NOT the time. But he was sorry. He also made a very good point which was WHY send HIM out, a normally good student, and let other turds like Leg Man and Monitor Man get away with a LOT MORE?

I agreed with him that they were a bad pair. But I had no proper answer for why. I did tell him of Leg Man and his problems he had faced due to his key throwing. I also told them there was little I could do about Monitor Man because of his apparent immunity from reprimand.

So this was yet another bad day but it seemed not as bad as the first two. But I was pretty well wound up by the end of the day and it seemed this would be a week that would never end in a rational way.

But it was Tuesday when all this finally came to a head. Again it was a worksheet day in the continuing revision for the test that I was doing. I thought I was doing them a FAVOUR in helping them for their test. But NO!!

OK, now it's difficult to summarise what went on next. Before the main break between the two lesson blocks I had given them, I think, a grammar exercise which was Present Simple/Continuous gap-fill where they had three options for each gap. Now, as I was wandering around I noticed few of them were doing it but most had done nothing. “Do this on the board!”, they wanted. But I would NOT until they had used THEIR brains to do it themselves. Yeah, I could see that what they wanted was that I do the work and they do nothing while I was at the board explaining.

In the end I thought, “What the heck!” and went to the board to go through it with them. There were about 15 minutes to break time. I was so wound up YET AGAIN that they had spent most of the two lessons doing nothing. I started putting the numbers 1 to 18 on the board which were the numbers of the questions. STILL they were talking away behind me and for SURE not listening. THEY had asked me to do this and yet almost NOBODY was listening to or watching what I was doing.

I did maybe the first two with the standard two students actually listening to me while the others were laughing and carrying on as if I was not there.

THAT WAS IT!! I REALLY flipped. In a fit of anger I stopped writing, grabbed the whiteboard eraser and FLUNG IT against the whiteboard violently! It did not go anywhere far. With this, they DID stop chatting and I sat down yelling aimlessly at them that they were a complete waste of space and I was NOT going to waste my time or my breath when NOBODY was listening to a word I was saying. I said they could just do what the hell they wanted now as I had had ENOUGH!!

What I SHOULD have done was to storm out of the class and slam the door. But teachers aren't supposed to do stuff like that.

At moments like this I always recall the story of one teacher colleague years ago who had a headache in a lesson. He actually DID throw the whiteboard eraser at the board and storm out and I believe that things worked out better for him after that with his class.

Anyway, back to me. I had an EXTREMELY fraught 15-minute break period where I was hating everything and everyone. I didn't talk to anyone as I remember. Or perhaps I did and yelled. Don't quite remember now. But anyway after break time back in the classroom my “war” was to continue.

Let's just cut down what was said. Basically they were saying things like, “Why so much paper? We don't learn anything! Some people in this class are 2 months and not learnt a thing!!”, to blatant challenges to my authority as the teacher as a whole. Ohh I don't recall, again, all of what was yelled about but things were going about as badly as you can imagine with a class. I hated them and them me too!

However …. in the end some good did seem to come out of it. It was agreed (somehow!) that we needed a better coursebook since the kids' book, “Up And Away”, was clearly useless for them. THAT in itself was a useful step to take as they did at LEAST show a need and an interest in their learning. A positive step. “Headway Elementary” seemed to be a good way to go. But, I said, the college does not have the newest edition. Well, they said, we will go to Jarir Bookshop near Tamimi's and buy copies for everyone and one for you.

OK OK, no I did NOT believe THAT as any kind of promise. Especially when, following it, comes the word 'inshallah'. This word is, as far as I'm concerned, as good as saying, “I'm not going to do a damn thing”, or, “I don't give a damn what happens”. It is an excuse for inactivity and inertia because this is what has been willed to happen or not happen.

However, I thought, “We shall see ….”. But I knew well that we would NOT 'see' anything new at all. Cynical me. And rightly so in most cases.

Looking back on this class 'fight' there was, as I said, some good come out of it. And that was them showing that they DID seem concerned about their learning. And THIS is what it is all about in the end.

Now, today is Sunday. And I can report to you that yes, as expected, all we have in the class are three bad photocopies of the old Headway Elementary which ….. yes, they already have the answers filled in since they were taken from one of the student's old copies of Headway that he had used in a previous course.

“Not much use!”, you might think. Well, I would say that it is time to improvise …. which is a teacher's 'code word' for “to make things up as I go along”. With some guidance of COURSE!

Ah, I haven't mentioned the Test that they did on Wednesday. Not much to say except that the majority of them failed badly and they said, yet AGAIN, that a good test would be of the “Box Ticking True/False” kind. Yeah right, WHO needs a brain for THAT? NO WAY they're gonna get that from ME for SURE! Oh, and once again I had to deduct a heft amount of marks from two of them who insisted on talking to each other and would not stop despite being warned and told a-plenty. One guy was even blatantly turning around to look at the guy's paper behind him. So I kept on deducting marks from him. Suits me! During break the two of them came to me to ask me not to take these marks off but there was NO WAY I was moving.

WHAT IS IT with these clowns?? Don't they GET IT YET?? This is a friggin TEST and if you do this in the COLLEGE then you will lose more than just 15 or 20 marks from your paper!! Ahh, but you see this is the way they do it in this country. So WHAT THE HELL do the Saudi teachers DO here?? Do they LET THEM CHEAT? Do they turn a blind eye? And with WHAT AIM in mind??

It just makes me SO ANGRY!! Yes, of course I've encountered cheaters before in Poland but they are rather more subtle in their methods and don't repeat in front of my face!

When WILL THESE PEOPLE learn what it is to BE A STUDENT???

Well …. in the end I suppose I have the last laugh when I mark the tests and record the results. And …. watch them CRASH 'N' BURN!!! Ahh the satisfaction.

Except there IS no satisfaction because WHATEVER happens on this military course makes NO DIFFERENCE and even the WORST of them will magically get into the college from the new academic year!!

A thankless task!! And one with little point I think sometimes ….. except to earn some nice money.

I FINALLY got to the end of this week.

You can imagine what I felt like. Seven more weeks of THIS to go. HOW the HELL was I going to survive in one mental piece?

Yesterday and today were OK. Yes, the stupid gate is still locked and yes, we are still riding the bus to this place. But I do still come home for lunch. I need to. It may not be much but it IS at least some kind of sanctuary and an escape (albeit temporary) from the shit outside in the baking sun.

As I write this, it is difficult to convey as mere words on the page how all this has made me feel.

The summer edges very slowly near. Seven weeks will, I suppose, not pass too quickly as this is about the same amount of time as has gone to now. There is this one-week break coming soon which will be a welcome relief from those animals.

I don't know if I am preparing too much or too little. Why too much? Well because I am doing too good for them maybe. And why too little? Maybe I need to better fill the class time and keep them from getting bored.

But I don't KNOW what to give them every day! ANYTHING I try to do is only going to go the same way. So why SHOULD I waste my effort and time.

On one hand I don't want to waste my breath and board marker ink on people who, mostly, don't listen and are in the lesson to chat to their friends and distract. But on the other, maybe if I DO talk more to them this might at least KEEP their interest for a bit longer and may help to get ideas for what to do “the next day”.

This is a big “maybe”. Yesterday I managed it but today, looking around the classroom were SLEEPING students, students singing, students talking loudly to each other. There are two of them who seemed to think it was so funny talking what, to most people, would be childish, teenage talk about …. well about the things teenagers who are newly discovering hormones they never had before LIKE to talk about. Know what I mean?

Remember when YOU were 13 or 14 years old? What did YOU find funny then? That's them NOW!! Teens in soldier's uniform!!

I will try it this way from now. Use the Headway Elem book and improvise off the top of my head from what is on the pages …. as SLOWWWWWLY as possible. And then have tests on whatever we do in class. Or use the Headway Progress Tests. HeHe!! Devious AND resourceful!! That's ME!!

We will SEE how long THIS strategy lasts ….