With Friends like These ....

Saturday 6th February 2010
Well … there I was hardly started my (intermittent) evening's exercise walk when I was rudely interrupted … by the Bugmobile!

OK, yes yes this IS my own name for it, so now I should explain. This is the (cheap n' nasty n' toxic) way that the powers-that-be in this compound deal with the nasty flying and crawling insect population that does grow in these parts. What it is is this:- basically this pickup truck goes around with what looks like a water cannon on the back. But instead of water, there are great big CLOUDS of dense white smoke billowing out of it. The pickup truck drives around all the areas of where the plants are “spraying” away this smoke. And when I say big clouds I mean BIG clouds of smoke. Yes, it soon disperses, but the fact is that it IS toxic and you really want to stay out of it.

I saw it up ahead of me spraying away and there was another walker/jogger ahead of me who was right in the middle of this smoke cloud. He had to cover his mouth and nose and get on through it. I didn't go through the worst of it, but STILL it smelled pretty bad. All I could do was cover my mouth and nose with my hands. Ahh … and now I'd better WASH my hands before I continue typing …

So the exercise walk was curtailed. Which is good because now I feel that little bit refreshed enough to get writing. And as there are only two weeks of blog left now, I mustn't miss a thing.

YESSSS!! As from today there is a mere FORTNIGHT of being here remaining. But let's not dwell on that right now because there are other things to talk about today.

FRIENDS … we all need them. They are a normal part of all of our lives. We say, don't we, that, “You can choose your friends but not your family”, and, "Good friends are like stars.... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there" (author unknown). However … friendship is a complex ol' thing and it can turn out that people you think you get along with well can become the people who you wish would SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Here I am referring to the American guy. Up until now he seemed to be a pretty good bloke to get to know and seemed a good guy to talk to at lunchtimes and on the weekends when we were having coffee down at Starbuck's and walking along the Corniche chatting.

He has always referred to me as “chappie” and in return I call him “geezer”. No big deal there – just a way to get along with each other. That in itself has been fine. But during a number of lunchtimes, some times going into town and other times in the office he's been having a go at me and making fun when others are around.

What do I mean? Well, for starters referring to me as “Mr Bean”. And he has been saying “how British” he thinks I am. He makes stupid comments because, for example, I was going around in the height of summer with an umbrella and “How typically English” that was (I have no hat and the umbrella was all I could use). Also, when talking about the weather out here in Saudi, I said that I just don't like sun all the time but better would be more variation such as sunny some days, rain others, hot some days, not so hot on others etc. etc. and HIS not-so intelligent comment on THAT was that Ohh such a typical Brit who likes grey and nasty weather and doesn't like sun because that is lacking in his country.

What else? Ohh another dumb thing the other day when we were sitting talking with one of the female teachers in her office. As far as I knew, we were just talking there and there was some reference to American and British English of some kind. I don't remember what it was. But one other word he then chose to pick on and try and say how his American way of saying it was right and mine was just funny.

Well, it was a small but unnecessary thing anyway. And AGAIN on one trip into town in the taxi he was AGAIN going on about how “British” I was and that he was trying to think of a good person to liken me to other than Mr Bean.

Ohh and THEN there was the REALLY idiot, juvenile thing he did last week when the three of us had gone into town. Well, he and I went into Carrefour supermarket just for some shopping. There were not many people there as it was a weekday. So there I was going around with my trolley and I came to the tomatoes tray, got a bag and started looking at them and choosing the ones which were not too green, not squashed etc. etc. as you normally would. As I am doing this, I hear a voice behind me which is OBVIOUSLY the voice of “our American friend”. He is calling out across the supermarket and is hiding behind one of the display rows where other fruit and vegetables are. “Stop fondling those tomatoes!”, “You there! Leave the tomatoes alone!”, and other such things. Yes, and unfortunately I DO turn around but he is hidden behind them, but I know it is HIS idiot voice.

Now, I don't know. Some of you reading this will ACTUALLY think this IS funny after all. Well, sorry, but maybe after a year of exposure to kindergarten-brained Saudi students, I have had ENOUGH of this childish sort of so-called “humour”. But I did NOT find this funny at all and just wanted him to SHUT THE FUCK UP and stop behaving like a stupid kid. Such things might be amusing in an American shopping mall, but not here in serious Saudi. Oh, but he went on and on with this. I just tried to ignore him and get my tomatoes and move on. Would he follow me around doing this elsewhere? I hoped not, and luckily he didn't.

Well there is other stuff too involving stuff I have told him which he has used to put me down with.

I don't know why this is. Maybe because I found out what his rather embarrassing middle name is. Maybe he just wants to shout off his loud Texas mouth. Well, I can see why he gets on so well with his Saudi students and I know why he has enjoyed going up and down the country and being photographed with them. Yes he seems to LOVE getting his picture taken with Saudis.

Ahh, and one MORE thing that I don't think I mentioned before. A few weeks before the end of semester it was his birthday on one day during the week – was either a Saturday or a Monday. He obviously had told his students this was coming. And WHAT did they do on that morning in lesson time IN THE CLASSROOM?? They had a PARTY!

When I say a PARTY, I MEAN IT! In that classroom was FOOD GALORE! On the teacher's “stage” when I went in, there were students cross-legged with flat-bread and pots of sauces. On a table in the centre (many tables pushed together) were many other sweets, profiterole-type things, little savoury things and juices. Ah, and a jug of that mystical thing called “Arabic coffee” (it isn't like what YOU know as “coffee” and is made with something called cardamom and you drink it out of little ceramic cups which do not have handles).

Of COURSE, the classroom was full of students from most of the other classes who had been invited in. At the start of my lesson period 2, one of his students had come into my class and invited us all in. Well, MY students had already seen this party going on, so they were MORE than happy to “abandon the lesson” and go across.

I went too. But ohhh I really did NOT want to be doing that. Socialising with a bunch of people I didn't WANT TO BE socialising with, and all THIS in lesson time when the end-of-semester exams were due the week after.

Ohh, but the food and drink was not all. Soon the singing and dancing started. And there he was with all of them in a circle doing Arabic dances. If there had been a few swords there too, then it would not have gone amiss.

I REALLY had to get out of that classroom. They were making a lot of noise. Yes they were having fun too with all this, and it was working them up into a frenzy of excitement. I KNEW that the rest of the day would be impossible. I mean, what is the WORST thing to do with a bunch of over-excitable “kids”? Well, THERE IT WAS RIGHT THERE!

Trying to do ANYTHING with my class after the long break time was IMPOSIBLE. They were still in “party mood” and were EVEN MORE NOISY and EXUBERANT than they normally are. Eventually after a while of this, I had had ENOUGH and I told them all to leave because the lesson was pointless. By this time I had a nasty headache.

One thing that did happen during all this when I was in the classroom. And I was quite surprised by it. As I was standing there eating my piece of cake, next to me stood the notorious guy I call “Leg Man”. I tried not to see that he was there – I mean, he is NOT any person I wish to be civil to in ANY kind of social situation. But he seemed calm, asking how I was. I said I was OK. He then said something which I really found amazing. “I am sorry about 'Monitor Man' in your class”, he said (obviously he used his real name), “but he is a good man really”.

How about THAT! A rather profound thing to say from a guy who I would otherwise say was a complete NIT-WIT!

Maybe he is changing. My other colleague whose class he is in now is surprised when I tell him he is a complete asshole. His opinion is that the guy is not so bad at all!!??

Well, if he IS changing then it is about time and long overdue!

So anyway … that is the story of how things with THAT teacher colleague. “And what about the others?”, you ask, “Are they also so weird as this one?”. Well, you know, every teacher who comes out to a place like THIS has to be, as we say, “one card short of a full deck”. And indeed most of them are in some way!

I have talked much about my colleague who had to go to hospital. Well, he is out of there now though still has his sessions with the psychiatrist. Or is it a psychotherapist? Anyway, he seems different now he is out. Yes, he STILL moans about the college and everything in it but STILL maintains he has no problem with the country itself (that is quite hilarious!). Apparently he has his “social interests” down town now and goes down there twice a week or so (lots of taxi money going there!). But he DOES seem not quite right in his mind these days. Whatever it was that happened that put him in hospital, it DOES seem to have affected him and he seems less stable these days. I told the story last time of how he lost his marks and had to “recreate” them (which he eventually did “somehow”!). So enough about him.

Then there is the guy who I think I talked about in one of the very first blog entries that I made. The man whose head is full of trivia on almost any trivial subject you can name. On top of that, he is a terrible gossip and REALLY makes things up left, right and centre. Things which aren't just a BIT wrong too – like, for instance, me when I forgot my keys and was seen in the security car going to get the master key set, he said that I had been “manhandled” by the police. Oh, and he has a completely PERVERTED MIND too! Not just the “regular stuff”, oh no! But stuff like S&M and he also shows more than a “passing interest” in underage girls. Things that he comes out with … well, look, I consider myself a fairly broad-minded man but THAT MAN has a SICK mind! In the wrong environment, he could turn the “wrong way”.

Then there is the old Irish gay guy. Always has a scowl on his face, and is not nice to most people around. He is another of those who maintains he “doesn't give a shit” about teaching and yet he was always the one to say “Come on, they're watching us, let's get back to the classroom quick!”. Always has his little stories too, and has spent a lot of the lunchtimes talking with “pervert man” above about things going on in Ireland (corruption, dodgy priests etc.). Oh, and he TOO is a nasty gossip and exaggerator, so really they go well together. And they are both near retirement age so they will be here till that happens. One lunchtime he came to the table where we were all sitting telling me that the American teacher and the guy who was the “de-facto” HoD both wanted to see me about something. This was on a morning when I had not gone into the college since I had no classes and no exams to invigilate. I almost believed him since it could have been to do with filling in the “long sheets” which were where student marks for the semester had to go. Luckily I saw the American coming into lunch as I was leaving and he knew nothing about this. HUH! That mean bastard just wanted me to go into the college for NOTHING! Wasn't really necessary, WAS it now?

These are who is left now. Let us not forget who has already gone and who was there when I arrived nearly a year ago. Some I have mentioned already. Firstly, there was the Pakistani man who had been to the same further education college as me in Slough. His smile was always a mouthful of metal braces. He tried, when he could (and, indeed, as ALL “good Muslims” do) to convert you and if you shared an office with him you could be sure that on YOUR desk would land a leaflet all about the “wonder” that is Islam. At first he seemed OK but was a rather serious-minded person who took the job VERY SERIOUSLY all the time. And he said he was having a GREAT TIME in the country … or was that because his family was here with him?

Ahh, yes, then there was the Welshman. He never liked teaching and was for SURE no teacher – was just here for the money (as we all are!). Again I talked much about him in early blogs as a man who I always regretted talking to. Even when you saw him around, he rarely said Hello to you even and did NOT ever look happy. Well, THAT is understandable! Now he is happy back in England on a Chemistry course.

Next was the old Texan. Now, to me he seemed another good man, but there were times when he had his moods according to others. One time when I was ill, he was in there covering my military class and he REALLY yelled LOUDLY at them to be quiet! He also was near retirement age. I also remember he was rather a forgetful man. Rumours spread by our Irish “friend” suggest he lived something of a “double life” with his faithful and loving wife on one had back in the USA, and then on other occasions he would be in Indonesia “looking for boys”. But the Irishman and THIS man never ever got on, so this is most likely just a made up story for the sake of spite.

What about people outside the English department? Well, I haven't had many dealings with many others except at lunchtimes (though rarely). The most notable of these has been one man who DEFINITELY has had quite a time out here. At first, he was, I've heard, a teacher like us in the English department for a while. He was much involved in the writing or the re-writing of one of the Clinical course coursebooks. However, that never got finished since before he had finished it, he disappeared across The Causeway (the bridge way that goes over to Bahrain) and never came back! Apparently it was because he didn't like his accommodation, but from what I can make out it was silly things like the carpets and the furniture were not to his “demanding tastes”. Well, he DID come back after the college pleaded him to and promised to give him what he wanted. He has some kind of medical skills and/or knowledge that they really need here. Now he IS back, but he works in another more medically-based teaching department of which he is the Head.

Apparently he did this “disappearance” again, though I don't know why or, indeed, why he came back. But I think I overheard him saying it was because he wanted to go back and work in the USA for a while just to “see if he could”.

I haven't had much to do with this man, but he strikes me as another of those who is rather above himself and something of a “diva”. One lunchtime last week he came to our teachers' table on which I was sitting together with the American, the hospital colleague and some others. Somehow the topic of travel came up. He and the American talked about Egypt – they are BOTH Americans in fact. Well, the American said how much he was looking forward to going there. I remarked that in Egypt there is nothing to see which hasn't already been seen by “the world” and that WHY go there since you can see pictures and videos galore of the pyramids etc. and that they are nothing new.

Travel destinations then moved to Europe and they were talking about countries like Spain and Germany. Well, you know Americans and Europe! It is some far off place for them. Ah HAH but THEN on hearing that I knew about Poland, this “diva” guy mentioned Prague (Czech Republic of course). And according to him, it was the worst city he has ever been to!

WHAAAT?? I could not believe what I was hearing. “How can you NOT like Prague?”, I asked him. And his story was like this:- in Prague he had wanted to go on the metro. He had his ticket, but at the top of the escalator a man stopped him and asked him to give him his ticket because he was a ticket inspector. FOOLISHLY he DID give it to him, and then at the BOTTOM of the escalator a REAL ticket inspector asked him for his ticket which he now DID NOT HAVE! Prague Metro ticket inspectors are plain-clothes only – kind of like the bus ticket inspectors in Poland.

Well, not having a ticket, the ticket inspector said this “diva” guy had to pay a fine. He refused to and there was some kind of argument I guess. I don't remember if he said he paid it or not, but then he said he DID get on the metro train and, according to him, “four police officers were following him around”.

And because of THIS, the next day he went to the nearest travel agent and said “When is the next flight out of here?” and duly left Prague! And it is for THAT reason and THAT REASON ALONE that he hates Prague so much!!

I mean, WHAT a sucker he was falling for a scam like THAT! And then he got caught and, like the true “diva” he is, he thought himself “too good” to have to pay it or something. And IS THAT any good reason to HATE a city so much?? He didn't even SEE Prague I suppose and yet he despises it so.

Well, Prague doesn't need him either. But he made me think, “Ohh my GOD, what a DICKHEAD!”

OK, that's the end of my People Story. Ohh I haven't mentioned our ex Head of Department who is now gone. I never had too many run-ins with him, but for most people he was the “pit bull”. Well, he sure was DIRECT and if you took it the wrong way you COULD say he was a very rude man. Yes, I would agree that he was rather intimidating with such a temper, so the thing was not to provoke it (though many people did). Apparently he was a diabetic. And yet … every SINGLE day he, without fail, would drink SIX CANS of Diet Pepsi. And he admitted himself he had done the same for the last 30 years!!

Well, as far as Pepsi goes, he had THAT in common with the Saudis. I was often DISGUSTED to see students coming in first thing to the lesson at 7.30am with their can of Pepsi or, worse still, their cans of 7-Up. YUKKKK!!! Pepsi or 7-Up in the mornings?? Time to puke I think.

It has put me off the stuff! Of course, it WOULD explain why they got so hyper-hyper with all that sugary shite going into their bodies all day.

But even at LUNCHTIMES the drink of choice is one or even TWO cans of Pepsi to wash down the chicken and rice meal!

Time for some orange juice I think! Good night!